THE PERSONAL PROPHECY

So, at this stage, here is what I want to propose.  In spirituality, it is said that everything that you put your emotion and energy to, become your reality.  This is in terms of the energies that we possess and can transmit as entities within and part of the Universe.  When you truly believe in this, as I do, then you think more about the effect you have on the Universe.  For example, when you are happy it can make other people happy, when you laugh you can make other people laugh, when you are unhappy it can definitely make other people unhappy, and this is the same with anger.  In spirituality we have vibrations and these vibrations are what helps shape our existence.  If you put positive in the world, you get positive back.  There is a lot of variances on this for example Karma in Indian religions, the Pagan concept of the what you send out coming back threefold and Dharma, the Buddhist concept of upholding the natural order of things in the Universe, and if you want to create a loving harmonious world then you must be loving and harmonious.  It's all about cause and effect really, if you give out good you get good back, same way if you give out bad you get bad back.  I think these concepts, ones that I have always acknowledged but not always embraced are very important, and I have been able to apply them to my own experience of mental health and life.

Thing is, it's so easy to be negative when you are unhappy or depressed.  I'm sure quite a few of us can say that we have projected a negative attitude on to the world when we have been having a bad time.  In particular for me, mine was anger... I was angry at my past, angry at myself, and angry at the world.  In the end, it only really made people angry with me.  People tried to be understanding as they could with me but you can't bank on the tenacity of others and if people show you anger or depression back then it lets you down further, because all we are really looking for is love, understanding, trust and compassion.  It is the same concept of positive thinking to change your future, for example the cognitive triad in psychology emphasizing a need to change thoughts about the self, the world and the future.  The difference is that this carries a belief that these thoughts have vibrations that can actually change the atmosphere and alter your own universe.  Yes, life will always chuck things at you that we can't account for.  Some of these will contain serious heartbreak and knock backs, it's just life.  But if we tell ourselves we are gonna be strong, and things will change for the better, then we are sending that positive vibration to the universe and low and behold we are gifting with the powers of strength and the power to make things better, and deal with things.

So what do I think has helped my recovering? I like to write poetry and be creative and I tracked my own journey with creative writing.  But I also explained my belief in that I was sent messages from higher forces and the other side when actively doing the writing, and I was able to hide clues for myself in the poetry that would eventually lead me to the right path and lead me to who I really was in the midst of an illness.  My belief in this is very spiritual, but I do not want to impose my beliefs on anybody.. Your belief is your own, it must be to work.  (I always believed in spirituality and forced to believe psychology).  You can look at different perspectives of this.  You can look at it from the subconscious, that I delivered myself positive thoughts about my future that were delivered through my creative writing.  You can look at it from environmental factors to.  As soon as I started writing messages of a happier future that I must have projected that image and people responded to it and this was gratifying.  Either way, somewhere in there, in all the depression and psychosis was faith in myself, and belief.  I simply needed to realize it.

I propose that you start writing, painting, singing, writing a diary or doing anything that inspires you creatively.  You need to open up these creative channels and let them explode out of you.  A lot of us will be feeling very negative and low, and this is OK to talk about, to express.  So if it begins with artistic work reflecting your negativity then begin with it.  You need to turn this creative medium into a reflection of you so therefore let it be accurate, and really let all of the emotions and pent up feelings be shared onto these creative works.

But these negative thoughts and feelings cannot go on forever, and you want them to change.  I propose you make a prophecy about yourself.  You do not have to believe in divination or spirituality but you must let the ideas come to you.  If you don't want to see it as a prophecy, seeing it as being optimistic, because more importantly it has to be POSITIVE.  So if you are letting your creative juices flow and all you are getting is negative images, ideas and thoughts you must literally chuck them out.  Laugh at them, scoff at them, because this person you are transforming to only looks at things in a good and happy way, in a hope they can have a good and happy effect on the world.  If nothing positive comes to you naturally, then think what you wish would happen to you.  What you wish but don't at the moment believe is possible.  Try and transform the beginning "I wish there was" to "there will be" and let this link to the creative flair that you have started to develop.  Let the muse burst alive and help you to express it and this positive prophecy.  For me, it was a Phoenix, rising from the ashes, coming back from the dead despite all doubt, and transforming.  You can use metaphors for your prophecy such as this, or anything that is personal or interesting to you.

You must build up this work, and at the start you may have been portraying mixed messages, both pessimistic and optimistic, this is fine, however make sure that you start to let the optimistic overcome the pessimistic.  Even if you don't consciously agree with them, let optimistic ideas win over the negative ones at least in your creativity or work if not in your conscious mind.  Let it spill out of you.  If you are stuck for ideas, look back at joys of your past, things that interest you (try not to let them be morbid) and things that make you laugh.  Music is also a very powerful tool, listen to music, preferably ones that inspire happy or calming emotions, and work to them.   Try not to let all the wishes and hopes be too self-centered, or self gratifying.  Try and extend them, for example "I want to be happy" becomes "I want to be happy so that I can make other people happy too" and continue with these concepts until you are creating work and leaving these messages for yourself without consciously doing so.

The rest of it requires a little magic.  (I'm not saying literal magic, or am I??) you need to believe in these messages of optimism.  If you are a pessimist, then slap yourself out of it! You are a good person, there is no reason that these ideas for the future cannot happen for you.  Why can't they?? there is no good real reason, so stop making excuses for yourself!! They will happen! If you can't change your inner emotions and thoughts straight away, then actively change your outer ones and make them show.  Be nice to people.  Be kind, be understanding, be loving.  Be everything that you want for yourself and expect back.  Don't respond to anger as much as you can.  Tell yourself you are strong, and that you are calm and react like it, and you will be most pleased with the rewards.  If you act strongly and calmly in an argument, without showing bitterness or hate, you've acted the right way and people will respond to it.  Even if the response is just the non-continuation of the argument.  Have faith in yourself, your work and your prophecy if you can't have immediate faith in other people, for this is all you need.

This is not an over night process, but work at it! and build on it! you may be happy and surprised with at least what you have been able to produce.  But stick at it, and use all your want for it to happen become the energy pushing you to continue, believe in it!  You should get a lot of self-expression out, and be able to explore lots of different ideas and outputs.  But eventually your prophecy should become clear to you.  It is a 'personal' prophecy, so everybody will have there own, but eventually the message should be getting through to you of what your own one is.  Mine was:

"From the Ashes, I will Rise".

The Golden Age

This year is going to be the best year ever,
the unthinkable is happening, the forgotten, the never,
people predicted it ending, looking at the blank page,
in fact it's the changing, the coming golden age,
You have to be optimistic, forget realistic,
it's going to be incredible, forget cataclysmic
and you don't have to pay attention to religion or science
the point is for freedom, not global compliance,
this year brings beauty for many to see,
to break free from the barriers your mind must be free.

The Stigma attached to being #spiritual

Just wanted to go back to my mental illness here.  I had been diagnosed with depression at age 14, Bulimia nervosa at age 18 and then  the following diagnoses of Bipolar type 1, then recently Borderline Personality Disorder and Post traumatic stress Disorder.  Wow, there's a lot of names for me, when I think about it.  A lot of labels for me to believe in, and to subconsciously follow.  I'm not saying I am none of these things now, I do think that there is a lot of scientific evidence for them in terms of studies and findings and correlations and blah blah blah.  My studies of Psychology helped indoctrinate the importance of experimental research in myself, so therefore I started to believe in my need for psychiatric methods of therapy i.e prescription drugs in my case, having read all the appropriate articles.

Now please, please don't think that I am saying that these disorders do not exist.  Depression is a terrible illness, that can dawn from no apparent reason or external factors.  Eating disorders can completely take control over your life, become your life, with your whole world surrounded by your eating and weight.  A sufferer of an eating disorder knows this, there's not a moment that it drops from your consciousness.  When I started having periods of massive highs and lows, notably rather like taking drugs but without being on drugs, it seemed that my early drug debacles with ecstasy as a young teenager had damaged me.  Well, this is what I believed.  I was a keen and interested psychology student, and my past drug taking behavior, past bulimia, and perhaps possible genetic predisposition made it clear to me, my family and the doctors I was Bipolar type 1.  Then after a series of extremely negative events in my life, consequent erratic relationships with people and my floods of emotion and anger associated with my PTSD it seemed fitting to the doctors that I was Borderline Personality Disorder.  It all seemed to fit into place.  Why I couldn't maintain relationships and friendships, why I was so angry and upset at the world.  Now I am not here to slag off Doctors.  I massively respect Doctors and Psychiatrists, they are people trying to help people and working in the mental health industry is no peace of cake, I speak from experience.  However to me, looking back, it seems clear to me why my mental health took such massive declines.  

Just around the time I was diagnosed my depression at age 14, is just when I left the path of spirituality behind, of empowerment of myself.  I looked back at my early beliefs and interests in spirituality and even my practices of Wicca etc as childhood naivety, I had dropped it in a second just to be part of the social group that I had prayed for, and by the time I began my studies as a psychology student, they were long gone.  I believed in psychics and mediums at this point but I no longer believed in the spiritual power of myself, and my spiritual power as an entity of nature and mother Earth.  To be honest even this was a sign to me.  I was dedicated to psychology and to become a psychologist however I still sort out psychics and mediums.  Everything psychology teaches goes against psychics and mediums. They are past off as con artists and swindlers, and their techniques scrutinized and torn to shreds.  Well in fairness, like everything each socio-economic, cultural, religious or political groups there are people that let others down.  It is important to acknowledge that.  I believe my soul was telling me to head back towards the route of spirituality because I was always fascinated with clairvoyants etc however psychology was telling me it was bullshit.  A typical conflict of head over heart.  

Let me tell you something now, in terms of spirituality as a science if you are not following what this hippy fruit-loop is saying.  The body gives off electro-magnetic signals that are measurable by scientific methods.  There has been findings of a great deal on energy coming from the heart, and about the hearts role as a strong communicator to the brain, and the heart has been named as key player in 'perception, cognition and emotional processing'.  Interesting as well is the finding that sustained feelings of love synchronize heart rhythms with that of the respiratory and oscillatory systems as well as brain activity.  In spirituality there is 7 chakras.  The heart chakra is named as being key for love, understanding, trust, hope, openess, compassion, balance, forgiveness.  Hey look, I just listed all the key things important to understanding and dealing with people who suffer from any sort of melancholy or negative experience whatsoever.  This is certainly, the final key aspects that helped in my recovery.  But back to the original point, my heart was telling me to go towards a spiritual route, I have love and openness for spirituality however my ego and mind were telling me it was stupid and to be a psychologist.  So if the heart can in both spirituality and science be the key to love and well-being, surely we must follow it? The heart is a master aside the brain in the body, and therefore this represents that love is the decider of our overall well being.  You must do what you love, not what is sensible, to increase your well being.  I think science would agree with me at least on the well being front.  We all in our lives, seek love and seek meaning.  Maybe it is appropriate to find these by thinking back to the very core basics of what you love.  Listen to your heart not your head (most of the time!)

As a psychology student, a mental health patient, and anyone who is aware of the society that we live in I think it's fair to say that spirituality and it's various therapeutic methods have a massive stigma attached to them.  In fact one of the interesting things I learnt through being a sufferer and researcher of Bipolar Disorder led me to ask myself and others questions about spirituality.  I felt as a Bipolar that during my periods of mania that I had spiritual recognition and empowerment.  I mentioned before that my periods of taking drugs I also felt this.  That was what mania was for me, it was the feeling of being on drugs when not being on drugs, like I never stopped having the high and come down cycle of ecstasy.  When I was depressed, I felt like I was in the company or sometimes ruled by bad spirits, and I often felt possessed and unattached from myself.  Now these are atypical symptoms of Bipolar and the associated psychoses, however they are, are they not spiritual beliefs and concepts? Then why, in my medical psychiatric records has it specifically noted these down as being psychoses when they are beliefs.  Again, I'd like to reiterate here that I'm not saying either are the spot on answer.  You are not definitely possessed or empowered and you are not definitely suffering from a simple brain psychosis and not the subject of spiritual awakening.  It is ridiculous on both fronts to rule out one or the other! Nobody in life can say at this moment that they know everything there is to know about the world, therefore it is ignorant to not acknowledge anything.  However the only thing certain here is belief, or faith.  As a person, I felt spiritual imbalance in my life, and I believed these things about myself but I couldn't put my HEART into it because more was rational was to have faith in the medical diagnoses of psychosis and therefore put me as being a victim of an illness rather than a powerful spiritual entity, and one capable of changing the future.

Now this society, your doctor, your family, your friends or even YOU might have stigma against the latter option.  Can I just ask that should you not believe it, and if someone else believes it, then if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothin at all? People have the human right and freedom in this society to believe in whatever they want, and it is not for any body to criticize.  The powerful effect of words and response from others is most life changing, I think everybody can agree to that in both science and spiritualism.  If you get called fat at school, when you are older you might have an eating disorder.  I have first hand experience with this.  The external social responses of both positive and negative feed back can shape us accordingly, and it takes a very strong person not to come against this unprepared.  If you are hurting because of what some idiot said to you then don't worry, you are definitely not alone, and no, we can't always account for negative energy that is being sent to you, to your heart.  But again the theme here remains constant and you must believe in your cause, and have faith in that these people can not take it away from you.  You are a powerful person, and you can protect yourself emotionally and spiritually as long as you keep this strong faith to your cause and belief in yourself.  I am suggesting that the power to heal yourself comes in the belief and faith that things can change, that you can have a happy future rather than anything else.  

THE PROPHECY OF POETRY

Have you ever considered at all that ideas you come up with, things that 'pop' into your head, are messages?
It is now my firm belief that a lot of the things you dream up, especially if you are a creative person, can often  be a spiritual influence.  Some people openly use spirituality as their influence.  When you think about writers who wrote things way ahead of their generation, some of them are remarkably prophetic.  This is especially true with a lot of early science fiction novels, which predicted technological advances through the art of story telling that were at the time unaccountably accurate.

George Orwell's novel 1984 is celebrated for it's ground-breaking glimpse into a future dystopia.  The elusive 'Big Brother' represents a society monitored by the Government on an extreme level, but for it's day it was massively unpredictable.  Yet, it in it's unpredictable nature was prediction, as we are aware, (and if you are unaware you are blissfully ignorant) that we are monitored so closely now, that the establishment have our records on tap.  Facebook and the age of the social network mean that all of our details, our beliefs and backgrounds, our location, and who we know and associate with are handed on a plate to people trying to control us in the most euphemistic of terms 'social networking'.  We all happily update everything about ourselves.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not spreading a mass message to close your facebook account, I myself have a facebook account, however it would be blind not to acknowledge that the eye of 'Big Brother' is fixed upon us.  George Orwell created a prophecy that was accurate in his creating writing, everything down to it being hidden behind a seemingly reassuring context.  Plus, if the world we live in now, with all it's tragedy is not a dystopia then I do not know what is.  The prospect can only get more terrifying, more in line with the book.

However, I am not here to spread messages of fear among people, it is fear that is the biggest method of control and keeps us inside the barriers we need to break free from.  The future is a Golden Age, one of great enlightenment and allowing the mind to be freed.  Our vibrations shall increase, and therefore the vibrations we receive will increase, and with these vibrations comes the knowledge of things that we have never understood, and fear is part of what is stopping us understand.

Looking back on my blog and the poetry I wrote, some that was started years ago, it tracks the bitterness, fear and pain as well as the periods of exhilaration and love that accompanied my journey to understanding.  A lot of it is emotion, a lot of it is tongue in cheek, but I have only recently realized that through my work there were messages.  These messages I believe are about the world, and about my own journey.  Now I have always been interested in spiritualism, as I explained, but for many years now I have been living from the mind and ego.  I have been involved in the gratification and absence of love in myself, and did not feel that I had any spiritual ability, or indeed even really consider the consequences of my actions and therefore, I have been blind to the effect I had on the world, and on myself.   I did not fear God, I felt that I was owed something and the fact it was not paying up meant I did not owe anything myself.  I did believe in an external force on some level, but I did not realize is the biggest power of change is not controlling us completely, the power of God and bending fate are powers we possess ourselves and are within.  This is not to say we are alone, and that we do not have destinies.  But we have free will, and we must change to fulfill ourselves as people, as souls.  This era has been an age lacking in the fear of 'God'.  When I say God, I do not speak of a particular religion, or endorse that religious teachings are the complete way forward, they are created and interpreted with all the selfish bias of man on a lot of occasions.  But one thing the belief in higher powers and forces has for those who truly possess it is faith.  The faith to think positively, the faith not to fear, and the faith in our own effect upon the universe.

One of my favorite pieces of work was 'From the Ashes, I will Rise' where I metaphorically likened myself to a Phoenix.  This I believed at the time, was my artistic reflection of Bipolar disorder, and a description of my life to that date.  I was suffering depressive and manic episodes, highs and lows, falls and so called 'rises' and I enjoyed thinking of myself as something better than just a mental illness, as a Phoenix.  However, looking back, these 'rises' that I had believed in, were no proper rises.  Episodes of mania in Bipolar, with every thing sped up, meant that I had false glimpses of spiritual reckoning, of energy, of productivity, of love. I felt empowered when the 'mania' hit me, often like I had literally been hit with lightening, but dived into the wrong paths, was led into the arms of wrong people, acted in a way that was still not me.  I felt ecstasy, but not true ecstasy, for each road I followed during these episodes was destruction.  It felt like many rises and falls, but it wasn't.  I was for many years in a state of suspension, of chrysalis.  I was not truly living, I did not have control over the things that I did, and this is why it often led to hurting people and myself.  This is not a true rise.  I believe that I have now experienced the 'rise' that climaxed my poem, the true awakening that I had spoke of.  For how could I have truly seen myself as a powerful creature if I felt I had no control of when and how I 'burst into flames'.  The poem was recurrent with the themes of my past, and indicated that I was bound to it.  (Could I just step in here and say that all of this was on a subconscious level, like I said, I wrote the metaphor of Bipolar Disorder as a Phoenix with creative writing but no deep analysis).  Recovering from mental illness, my 'awakening' has been the true rise from the ashes.  The desire to protect and help myself and others, instead of destroy myself and others is the true prophecy I believe behind this poem, the one I have experienced.  No, I'm not saying that I will not suffer with depression, or even manic spells in the future, no matter how 'cured' I feel, the fact of the matter is, that a lot of the illness has a biochemical background, and as much as I endorse spirituality it would be counter productive not to recognize science, for the two come hand in hand.  It was the gaining of 'faith' that had meant that I rose from the ashes of illness, the recognition of my own effect on myself and others and my desire to control this in a positive way.

Another poem that was a 'message' to me was that of 'Life Science' where I used a scientific lexis to describe the nature of our existence, as vibrations and electro-magnetic signals that can alter our reality.  It is now I only truly recognize the meaning of these words.  They are true, we are vibrations, and the everything has an energy, and we can create positive or negative signals to the Universe that communicate back to us.  At the time, I wrote this poem with no true faith in the words.  They were simply in my eyes, poetic pondering, but without true belief in what I was saying.  For how could I have truly, in the midst of the ashes that bound me say such things and then not carry them out.  I always tried to be a good person, even at my worst, I liked helping people, but to me, this just meant giving them things.  I gave away some very sacred and expensive possessions, simply as acts of so called 'love', and there was an element of love behind them, I did care for these people but I did not really no what it meant to care for anyone, because I did not care for myself.  This would lead to a lot of anger, feelings of rejection and disappointing which meant that I undid the present behind these 'gifts' by showing rage and hatred to people when they did not fulfill my self-gratifying needs.  If they didn't show me they loved me, I accounted for them as traitors, as enemies, my past having been so riddled by these.  I believe the seemingly worthless incantation of these words in my poem was my higher self whispering direction, of what to truly believe in.  For the realization of messages that have been there for you from the very beginning, is all part of spiritual awakening.

There is way more to comment on, and in the future I will, however I will finish this post by discussing drugs, and addiction to them.  Drugs I believe, can be the carrier of spiritual forces, however not always positive ones.  I believe that to take drugs offers us false glimpses of spiritual states, and elicits how we must subconsciously strive for them.  Cannabis, an anxiolytic creates a temporary state of meditation, allowing complete relaxation and spiritual imagery and analyses to take place.  Hallucinatory drugs, such as ketamine or acid, allow complete break down of the walls of perception, perhaps allowing stronger glimpses into the drug takers 'great unknown' than any other drug.  Uppers, such as speed, cocaine, ecstasy or my personal old favorite, MEPHEDRONE allow feelings of higher knowledge, apparent love and empathy for everyone around you, and the universe.  However, I am not endorsing taking drugs, I am definitely not saying you should do them - the opposite.  They allow spiritual connection but are truly the worst form of gaining access to enlightenment, for they carry paths to darkness, and offer lies mixed in these connections, and promote fear in this fear controlled world.  For a drug taker, and for my past self, this meant a lot of things.  Fear and paranoia of myself and other people, actual fear from the situations you put yourself in and the people you become involved with, and fear of returning to reality, meaning you chase the drugs.

For the many years I took mephedrone also meant a lot of things.  It meant that I was blanketed from reality, to the real beauty of enlightenment that I could feel not being on them, it fed my mental illness, with drug seeking behavior being the key to prolonging my manic episodes and making them worse, emphasizing the psychosis that accompanies both the episode and the drugs.  But for me, I always made excuses for it, because it brought me to something that was truly the most amazing thing I'd felt.  Along with these feelings of empathy and love, and in completely temporary self belief, I was able to read people in a completely unpredictable way.  People I just met I connected to, and knew everything about their past, was able to pin point issues that mattered to them, and their hopes and desires.  Sometimes I even made predictions about peoples futures, which came to me in glimpses as I spoke to them, a lot of which have come true which meant a lot of people actually jestingly called me a psychic.  I now believe that it did help me open up my psychic channels, it did let my third eye sit peeping into the world.  However, it opens up the channels in the wrong way, in a negative way, and therefore can be the carrier of many negative things, and or people.  I often felt during my psychoses that I was possessed, and perhaps this was just the psychoses.  But if life means that science and spirituality come hand in hand than perhaps psychoses and spirituality does.  I believe in these mentally ill, drug fueled states I was the conductor for bad forces and energies, and therefore would give these energies out.  It was not nature, it was not natural, the exhilaration of tapping into these forces was short lived and false as it was not done in the true and good way of doing so, so other things 'got let in'.  In the poem 'The Drone' I make a prediction about the anti-christ, thinking more about the end of the world in 2012, and the book of revelations.  The poem is like my higher self and the 'ashen' self arguing.  I start off describing mephedrone for all its evils, but contradicting myself saying 'the anti-christ ain't all bad if you can handle what you've had'.  I even begin with 'You can't have a God without the devil' saying that evil must be present in our lives.  Perhaps some of this is true, perhaps I needed to lead an evil life to truly have come to this reckoning, it was all part of my personal journey, however the real message of this poem was predicting my fall, the last greatest one, and it all had been handed to me by mephedrone.  I had taken it for years and like I said, fed my illness and led me to evil people, and let to the eventual losing everything, my career, my friends, my mind completely and my last series of attempted overdoses.

A lot of people will read this and account my mental illness to the actual taking of drugs, I can assure you this is not the case.  It was mental illness through negative events and thoughts that dragged me down to the level of drugs and escapism, and long after I was 'removed' from this life by my family and on prescription drugs for a while I still suffered all the psychoses of the conditions.  I needed to discover 'faith' as I keep saying, the faith that I lacked in myself, the world and of spirituality to truly recover from mental illness and drugs.  I can now say, hand on heart I have been clean for a long time, and I am not even tempted to go back down that route.  It was not an egotistical decision... (to stop taking drugs) ...not like I quit because I knew it was wrong or bad for me, I just realized that it did not serve my soul or the world for the first time, and it no longer appealed.  This is quite something for a former addict, and a sufferer of mental illness to say, let me tell you.  To truly accept one's reality as what I want is a massive decision for me.  So I believe in my poem 'The Drone' something or someone was telling me something.  I had written 'when you hear it calling, that growling, hissing drone, remember when you are falling that you will never be alone'.  Something was telling me to remember that I am not a single entity to the world, the world is connected and we are never alone.     


Catch the poems I describe in my first blog:
http://margsjourney.blogspot.co.uk

Back to me ...

Ever since the first experience I had seeing a spirit there have been many more, but not for me, for the person close to me.  It happened for them a lot.  She didn't like them, they were terrifying for her.  I saw her speak to a spirit once, again she went in a trance like state and her eyes welled with tears as she stared transfixed at this person who the rest of us couldn't see.  What was even spookier was that we managed to look up and find real evidence of the person she had described, and how they died etc. It all matched.  I past  off my first experience of seeing a spirit as being through her, I must have 'conducted' her powers some how.  Needless to say I didn't stop trying to see things.

I was fascinated by it, the paranormal, the spirit world, then eventually as a teenager paganism and Wicca.  I think a lot of this though at my age was in a desperate attempt to belong to something, and feel worth something, and a lot of the things I practiced at this point may well have drawn negative things to me, because I did them in such a negative way.  I believed in it, or at least thought I did, but it was no real commitment as I would have dropped anything to fit in to some social group, which was the way it went, as I did.  Despite all the things that happened in this period, incidences of psychic phenomenon and the spells me and my best friend did apparently working, I dropped it as soon as I got into a social group.  The first thing I was asked as a insecure, inadequate school girl by this group was 'are you a witch?' and I laughed it off and denied it to fit in.  Despite all the things that pointed me in the direction of spirituality there were a lot of things driving me away, and I chased after them.

I did always believe in intuition, and spirituality and went to see many psychics and mediums throughout the years.  Some of them were breath taking, some not so convincing.  Two stand out in my mind.  First one, age 17 was the most amazing experience I'd had so far.  She knew everything, even experiences and more surprising names that nobody could possibly know about.  She knew into my heart and comforted me, assuring me everything was gonna be OK.  She also said I would be getting into psychology, and teaching etc, and (yes it's arguable that I made these choices because of this lady) but that was the path I followed, and the path I excelled in at A-Levels.  The second experience with a clairvoyant was even more stand out.

It was during university, after every thing had started to go wrong.  I was failing at my course, had lost all my friends after my extremely erratic behavior and had given up everything for the love of a boy who didn't want me and his friends who I believed cared about me but here I was sat on a bench in Birmingham, with nobody to turn to.  I sat on a bench outside a blockbuster where I had collected all my DVDs to sell to earn a bit of money. I was going to spend it on all the necessary tablets and alcohol I needed to take an overdose.  I was certain of what I was going to do.  It was simply just a question of doing it.  I sat contemplating it, but calmly,  when this woman sat next to me and started talking to me about her daughter.  She discussed how her daughter had left a man that had hit her straight away and I commented on how it was an admirable decision to have made.  The woman started talking to me about positive thinking being the key to changing things.  She then announced that she was a clairvoyant and that she could see that I needed help.  She talked to me in great and astonishing detail about everything that had gone on and was happening.  I cried in amazement as she then went on to tell me not to fear, that I was gonna be OK.  I thanked her and asked if I could see her on a professional basis.  She said no, because when she was told she had the gift, she was told to use it to help people and that's why she chose to help me.  She said, I too had the gift and I must use it to help people.  She then got on a bus, and drove away, leaving me awestruck, but significantly, not suicidal.

The British summer

So many of us are irritated over the weather.  Why? why no sunshine? why cancelled festivals? isn't that what the world needs most right now a little bit of sunshine? Rainy weather particularly in Summer makes a lot of us feel blue, angry and uncomfortable.  Even I have been suffering a bit, but it makes more sense to me.  The energies that accompany the pole change are arriving to the Earth.  The air is boiling and humid yet dreary and damp.  Every now and again through the torrential rain there is little fleeting glimpses of sunshine that last all too briefly before the clouds overtake the sky again.  I have already pointed out about water being the source of intuition and transformation.  I believe the energy and spiritual power is coming to Earth, and this is why it is raining so much.  The extreme climate changes across Britain, and the globe are all Mother nature's way of telling us the change is happening.  We all feel different, even if not on a conscious level.  Some of us have more explicit dreams.  Personally I am feeling the change very dramatically.  My sleeping pattern is disrupted, (yes,as a Bipolar I have always suffered changes such as this but this is different.  It is happening all too quickly).  I can see the energy in the air sometimes, and see the great orbs of purple and blue before my eyes as my third eye opens more and more.  My head is itchy and I feel hot a lot of the time, especially around the head.  This changes very quickly to cold as I sense spirits coming in and out of the room.  My senses have opened up completely, I smell things that are not apparent in the room, a lot of the time I smell lavender.  I believe this is the scent of my spirit guide, as I am drawn to it, but I've smelt other things.  Although a lot of these things I am describing are personal if I am correct in my visions then a lot of people will be feeling these changes, making discoveries about themselves and life.  This may not be as obvious to other people as it is to me, but I do think a lot of people will feel different.  This is because of the changes that are happening in a very real way to the world, to us.  We may not like the feeling, or we may feel weird and try and shake it off, but we must embrace them, it is all part of the change we must make towards enlightenment.

I found this video very useful:

Every thing I am talking about you can choose not to listen to, not to believe. It is your choice and please do not think I am forcing my beliefs are you.  I am keeping this blog more as a personal record than anything, however I have come to realize my path is guidance.  I am here to guide people, it is my purpose.  Plus, what sort of spiritualist would I be not to be talking about the biggest thing to happen to the Earth, well ever.  It's happening.  I must remain optimistic, even though it is hard times and if you are feeling the same thing, then I send you hope and love.  We should embrace this, and it surely must be natural for our bodies and minds to put up barriers.  We simply must break through them to get to the other side.

Mount Ida

 


My first experience was as a very young girl, age 10.  The experience was not just my own, but that of someone very close to me. I will not name them because it is not my secret to let out, but this person has a very strong ability, and lacked the ability to control it.  It was an Easter sunday, in Cowbridge and me and this person were walking my dog in the area called Mount Ida in my home town.  I remember the moment very vividly.  Mount Ida is a beautiful place overlooking the town with breath taking views, so me and this person who is close to me sat on the hill to rest having taken a long and steep walk up the hill.  It was a perfectly sunny day, the air was warm and fresh and the sun lit up the town beautifully.  My dog, Disney, started barking frantically at the stile that we had to get over to enter the field from the woods.  
My companion starting commenting on her belief that there was someone watching us in the area my dog was barking.  I looked over but saw only a glimmer of white, and said it must be a plastic bag or something like that.  But my companion couldn't take her gaze away and then said "Look, it's turning it's head when I do!" I looked again and saw that she was right.  The 'plastic bag' now definitely was the shape of a head, and was indeed turning it in exact synchronicity with my my companion.  I then came to the conclusion it must have been a reflection and asked why there would be a mirror in the woods.  By now it was unmistakable that it was moving.  We looked at it curiously for a while, and as we looked, it's form became obvious, and it has unmistakable shoulders, arms, torso but still had no real color or realism to it.  But for some reason, the more I looked I could tell it was a man.  I don't know why, I just could.  It seemed like it was surprised to see us looking at it.  It then started moving around the area, but its movement was more a gliding, had it been a human person it's movement would have been more obvious, the ground in that area was uneven with all the rural textures of the ground.  It was almost as if it was shocked by us noticing it because the movement seemed excited.  I understand that it seems a contradiction and unlikely that I could give so little detail of the actual person but yet knew so much about it.  But it just came to me, almost like the features and behavior became more obvious the more I noticed them.  By this point we knew it was a person but yet it was not a human person, and we were frightened.  As soon as we started panicking it started snowing.  What had been a bright, warm, sunny day was now bitterly cold and heaving with snow.  We ran.  We ran back to my house as fast as we could, and discussed what we had seen.  We knew it had not been human, yet we knew it was a person, a man.  I am christened and confirmed as a Roman Catholic and was a strong christian when I was that age, and put it down to it being Easter Sunday, I even questioned that it was a sign from God.  I told my family and we were that shaken up, they believed us.  That night, me and the person I am close to slept in the same bed because we were frightened.  Literally spooked out.  She was fast asleep next to me, snoring away, but for a brief moment, sat up, in trance and opened her eyes.  She said "he wants us to go back" and then returned to her state of peaceful sleep.  It was bloody terrifying, and we were confused and shaken for quite some time after.  But life goes on, and we forgot about it....

The third eye

Ok, so in context of what I asked my cards read as follows:
Four of cups reversed indicates something new entering my life, and other peoples that will change everything.  It is a card of learning new things, of relations.  It is about the changing of everything, of the world, about positive changes.  It says that internal and external life will change for the better and I must embrace these changes, as it will lead to fulfillment.  It also calls upon me and other people to use their energy in a positive way.

The Death card reversed - Is a push towards letting the changes happen, and to allow the new energies into your life.  It is a card of letting go of restrictions and oppression that keeps you within the state you are in now and not letting you progress to the higher, inevitable change.  It speaks of freeing the mind, consider all the opportunities and openings in your life and embrace them.  Do not live from the 'ego' anymore, that is the 'self' but let your inner powers support you.  Everything in your own and my own life has been working up to this period of transition we are entering now.  It is a higher consciousness, a higher state and we must accept it with open arms, the change is important and inevitable, and delaying it will just lead to a depressive or anxious state.

The Magician card:  This card speaks of utilizing the higher spirituality and wisdom that you have obtained for positive forces on the Earth.  It speaks of a deep and powerful spiritual transition and that of knowledge, strength and inspiration coming from it.  It is a card of great spiritual happenings.  Sometimes with the gaining of enlightenment we must let go of certain things, certain people.  It is all for the greater good, although very hard.  To me, this card, speaks of my own transition and also that of the worlds into entering a new era.

The simple three card spread that I use, indicates forces from the past, present and future.  To me, the message is obvious.  Be ready for the change, because it's going to happen, but it is not something to be feared.  It will be incredible.

So those of you that have followed my other blog or know me personally might wonder where the hell all of this came from....

The water bearers

Hello to all! 




Welcome to my new blog.  I thought it was the appropriate time to switch from my last one, where the recurrent theme, well, all of it was about my battle to recover from mental illness, addiction, violence both physical and sexual.  Now I'm taking things from a different perspective.  A completely new vision, because that is what my life is guided by now.  Visions.  I have always wrote poetry, and enjoyed writing in general, and always had a spiritual side, but never to this extent.

It is now that I believe that my poetry, both past and present, comes from the other side, is messages.  I always tried to instill a moral in my poetry, and I'm not saying that a lot of it, especially some of them are not just my own creative streak.  But I have experienced something in my recovery, well, why I DID recover that I can only tell you but you will have to choose to believe.  I realized that I am, have been all my life an intensely spiritual person, with powers of divination and clairvoyancy.  I have been experiencing the realization of my own capability, of the worlds, of everybody, and now I choose to write about this, because simply, it is my life now.

Before I go on to explain myself a little further, I want to share my belief with you.  This is through my own visions, premonitions, research and faith.  The world is changing, we are entering a new realm.

"When the Moon is in the Seventh House, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then Peace will rule the Planet, and Love will steer the Stars"


A lot of you will recognize that from the 1969 5th Dimension song 'Aquarius/ Let the sun shine in'.  A lot of the blog generation will remember that from 40 year old virgin.  But jokes aside, It is happening.  In 2012 we are experiencing a pole change.  This is a scientific fact, but it is gonna be something much greater than that.  The world will enter a new age and it means enlightenment for a lot of people, spiritual awareness and ability.  It is age of happiness, peace, light and more importantly love.  We must be ready for the change to accept it, to survive it, and I do believe that there will be a lot of loss, and disasters along the way.  But I think when the time comes, those of us who have love in our hearts can survive it, and can go forth into the new age.

The astrology sign 'Aquarius' means 'The Water Bearer.'  To me, the obvious symbol of this springs to mind. The Dolphin.  The Dolphin, a mammal that lives under water, is a symbol of great peace, love and tranquility world wide.  But what is the dolphin? He is the representation of water without being a fish, he is apart of the ocean and more notably, the Dolphin has a very large brain, and the ability to utilize all of it, setting it apart from us humans.  This suggests that Dolphins may have abilities and powers that we, who only use less than a third of our brain.  My belief is the age of Aquarius will enlighten a lot of us to be able to use more of our brains, and share these abilities and powers.  I'm not saying it will happen 'poof' immediately, but I believe it will be the consequence of the change.  It is evolution.  Evolution explains us as being adaptive based on our environment and promotes survival.  Well, the human race needs to adapt.  We are destroying our world around us, living only from the mind, acting on impulses instead of intuition, and if this continues, life will not.  Life will always find a way to go on.  I have enjoyed recently (call me sad) my pet sea-monkeys, little shrimp hatched from eggs from a packet, added to water, and hatch.  I think this is a little miracle.  How life can be preserved and prevail, beyond all doubt.

So where has all this come from? Well, It's gonna need a lot of explaining, but I don't want to divert from the subject of this post, but basically, I have always been fascinated with water, even as a little girl, I used to love to sit by rock pools and catch fish to study.  I have an attraction to streams, lakes, rivers, the sea.   I love to be near water.  The spiritual symbolism of the element water is stand out to those who study it, but in case you don't know, it's intuition.  It's wisdom, metamorphosis, transformation, subconscious, purification, life and much more.  But in this context, I believe my body and my mind, my soul - and other people have been speaking to me and pointing me in the right direction for such a long time.  Looking back on it now, it seems obvious to me where I should have been headed.  But I'm here now.  I have great intuition, and I must use it.

Along with my fascination to water, I have always had dreams of water, but primarily of fish.  In my dreams, for years, nearly all my life, I have dreamed of having a beautiful pond, or aquarium of fish.  Sometimes in my dreams, I just observe them.  But more often than not the climax of my dream is that something happens to the fish, they are thrown out the tank, the water boils, they are injured, they are poisoned.  It is quite distressing when I dream it, causes a lot of anxiety.  When I started having these dreams, I naturally assumed the worst, and thought they must represent loved ones or friends being injured or dying, or even me facing this fate.

A typical definition of fish from dream dictionaries is that of emotional and feelings, wealth and power.  To dream of dead fish represents a fall, perhaps related to these things.  Well, if the dreams have only been referring to my life, if you know me, or have read my other blog you will know that I am no stranger to that.  I have had my fair share of falls.  In fact being Bipolar has meant I've seen many rises and falls.  However back to the dream definition, it can also mean spiritual growth or transformation.  That, I have certainly undergone.

But, in context of my vision, I believe that this is symbolizing the end of the age of Pisces.  I believe at the moment, we are living in the age of Pisces.  In astrology, the Age of Aquarius follows the age of Pisces.  I did some research and I came across this on a useful site:

The Dreams: People have been having many water type dreams. Usually they are very scary. Many people are afraid that these dreams are prophetic and that the ocean is going to come over the land and kill everyone.  However, other dreams like this portray similar ocean dreams but the dreamer just stands there and watches in awe and feels no fear.  Other dreams are about fish tanks which are broken and fish are flopping on the floor helplessly, and others where the tank breaks and water falls to the floor, but the fish swim in the air just like they were still in the water.  We have come to think of these dreams, as being prophetic, Yes!  However, not that the physical world will be destroyed but that we are undergoing a spiritual change, and these dreams are messages that the Age of Pisces (a water sign) is ending, and that the Age of Aquarius (the water bearer sign) is coming in. 

Things started getting exciting for me.  A lot of things were making sense.  I had written a poem a while ago which I published on my blog in April.  I wrote:

I’ve always assumed that the world is doomed: 
this new year the last, 
happens too fast to realise, 
too quick to say goodbyes, 
the dark overtakes the skies, 
those little lights leave your eyes. 
There is so much to know and so few are wise to the way it should be. 
What you could be if you just tried, 
but you just pass it by, knock gifts aside, 
then wonder why. 
Maybe the world as we know it will end,
maybe a fresh born life will descend. 
Maybe its the start of something new,
a chance for me and a chance for you. 
In this world we wont be weak and frightened,
but strong and enlightened.
Man wont turn against his brother, 
but learn to help and support each other. 
So the looming doomsday this two thousand and twelve, 
maybe simply be the time to better ourselves. 
Maybe I’m crazy to think of either theory,
I could confuse you and be utterly mad. 
But I know what I must do…and I am glad.

Check it here:

http://margsjourney.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/2012.html



At the time, this is what I imagined the 2012 transition to be.  It seemed clear to me.  The words just flowed out of me as if they came from somewhere else.  It just seemed natural.  At the time I past it off as my over active imagination.  Now, insight has led me to believe, I can see into the future.  This is what I see.  No finality.  A new beginning.  The age of Aquarius, the realm of the dolphin, the era of the water bearer.

In this new blog I will be exploring my spirituality and my steps to arriving at this point, as well as my poetry, my life, and everything else that I think worth while.
I have got a LOT of things to rewind and go over, but I think that requires a new post.  My message is, do not fear, or live in hate.  Live in love, and send positive vibes to everyone, as this will be reflected back to you through the energy transitions of the world.  If you are a spiritual person, you know this.  If you are not, start thinking about it.  Here is it explained more accurately and in an incredible way.  Another amazing find.  Little grandmother:

I did my tarot regarding my new beliefs on the original Rider-Waite tarot deck.  I use a basic reading of past present and future - three cards.
My cards were:
Four of Cups reversed, Death reversed and Magician.... explain more next post... PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT! X X X X