Have you ever considered at all that ideas you come up with, things that 'pop' into your head, are messages?
It is now my firm belief that a lot of the things you dream up, especially if you are a creative person, can often be a spiritual influence. Some people openly use spirituality as their influence. When you think about writers who wrote things way ahead of their generation, some of them are remarkably prophetic. This is especially true with a lot of early science fiction novels, which predicted technological advances through the art of story telling that were at the time unaccountably accurate.
George Orwell's novel 1984 is celebrated for it's ground-breaking glimpse into a future dystopia. The elusive 'Big Brother' represents a society monitored by the Government on an extreme level, but for it's day it was massively unpredictable. Yet, it in it's unpredictable nature was prediction, as we are aware, (and if you are unaware you are blissfully ignorant) that we are monitored so closely now, that the establishment have our records on tap. Facebook and the age of the social network mean that all of our details, our beliefs and backgrounds, our location, and who we know and associate with are handed on a plate to people trying to control us in the most euphemistic of terms 'social networking'. We all happily update everything about ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm not spreading a mass message to close your facebook account, I myself have a facebook account, however it would be blind not to acknowledge that the eye of 'Big Brother' is fixed upon us. George Orwell created a prophecy that was accurate in his creating writing, everything down to it being hidden behind a seemingly reassuring context. Plus, if the world we live in now, with all it's tragedy is not a dystopia then I do not know what is. The prospect can only get more terrifying, more in line with the book.
However, I am not here to spread messages of fear among people, it is fear that is the biggest method of control and keeps us inside the barriers we need to break free from. The future is a Golden Age, one of great enlightenment and allowing the mind to be freed. Our vibrations shall increase, and therefore the vibrations we receive will increase, and with these vibrations comes the knowledge of things that we have never understood, and fear is part of what is stopping us understand.
Looking back on my blog and the poetry I wrote, some that was started years ago, it tracks the bitterness, fear and pain as well as the periods of exhilaration and love that accompanied my journey to understanding. A lot of it is emotion, a lot of it is tongue in cheek, but I have only recently realized that through my work there were messages. These messages I believe are about the world, and about my own journey. Now I have always been interested in spiritualism, as I explained, but for many years now I have been living from the mind and ego. I have been involved in the gratification and absence of love in myself, and did not feel that I had any spiritual ability, or indeed even really consider the consequences of my actions and therefore, I have been blind to the effect I had on the world, and on myself. I did not fear God, I felt that I was owed something and the fact it was not paying up meant I did not owe anything myself. I did believe in an external force on some level, but I did not realize is the biggest power of change is not controlling us completely, the power of God and bending fate are powers we possess ourselves and are within. This is not to say we are alone, and that we do not have destinies. But we have free will, and we must change to fulfill ourselves as people, as souls. This era has been an age lacking in the fear of 'God'. When I say God, I do not speak of a particular religion, or endorse that religious teachings are the complete way forward, they are created and interpreted with all the selfish bias of man on a lot of occasions. But one thing the belief in higher powers and forces has for those who truly possess it is faith. The faith to think positively, the faith not to fear, and the faith in our own effect upon the universe.
One of my favorite pieces of work was 'From the Ashes, I will Rise' where I metaphorically likened myself to a Phoenix. This I believed at the time, was my artistic reflection of Bipolar disorder, and a description of my life to that date. I was suffering depressive and manic episodes, highs and lows, falls and so called 'rises' and I enjoyed thinking of myself as something better than just a mental illness, as a Phoenix. However, looking back, these 'rises' that I had believed in, were no proper rises. Episodes of mania in Bipolar, with every thing sped up, meant that I had false glimpses of spiritual reckoning, of energy, of productivity, of love. I felt empowered when the 'mania' hit me, often like I had literally been hit with lightening, but dived into the wrong paths, was led into the arms of wrong people, acted in a way that was still not me. I felt ecstasy, but not true ecstasy, for each road I followed during these episodes was destruction. It felt like many rises and falls, but it wasn't. I was for many years in a state of suspension, of chrysalis. I was not truly living, I did not have control over the things that I did, and this is why it often led to hurting people and myself. This is not a true rise. I believe that I have now experienced the 'rise' that climaxed my poem, the true awakening that I had spoke of. For how could I have truly seen myself as a powerful creature if I felt I had no control of when and how I 'burst into flames'. The poem was recurrent with the themes of my past, and indicated that I was bound to it. (Could I just step in here and say that all of this was on a subconscious level, like I said, I wrote the metaphor of Bipolar Disorder as a Phoenix with creative writing but no deep analysis). Recovering from mental illness, my 'awakening' has been the true rise from the ashes. The desire to protect and help myself and others, instead of destroy myself and others is the true prophecy I believe behind this poem, the one I have experienced. No, I'm not saying that I will not suffer with depression, or even manic spells in the future, no matter how 'cured' I feel, the fact of the matter is, that a lot of the illness has a biochemical background, and as much as I endorse spirituality it would be counter productive not to recognize science, for the two come hand in hand. It was the gaining of 'faith' that had meant that I rose from the ashes of illness, the recognition of my own effect on myself and others and my desire to control this in a positive way.
Another poem that was a 'message' to me was that of 'Life Science' where I used a scientific lexis to describe the nature of our existence, as vibrations and electro-magnetic signals that can alter our reality. It is now I only truly recognize the meaning of these words. They are true, we are vibrations, and the everything has an energy, and we can create positive or negative signals to the Universe that communicate back to us. At the time, I wrote this poem with no true faith in the words. They were simply in my eyes, poetic pondering, but without true belief in what I was saying. For how could I have truly, in the midst of the ashes that bound me say such things and then not carry them out. I always tried to be a good person, even at my worst, I liked helping people, but to me, this just meant giving them things. I gave away some very sacred and expensive possessions, simply as acts of so called 'love', and there was an element of love behind them, I did care for these people but I did not really no what it meant to care for anyone, because I did not care for myself. This would lead to a lot of anger, feelings of rejection and disappointing which meant that I undid the present behind these 'gifts' by showing rage and hatred to people when they did not fulfill my self-gratifying needs. If they didn't show me they loved me, I accounted for them as traitors, as enemies, my past having been so riddled by these. I believe the seemingly worthless incantation of these words in my poem was my higher self whispering direction, of what to truly believe in. For the realization of messages that have been there for you from the very beginning, is all part of spiritual awakening.
There is way more to comment on, and in the future I will, however I will finish this post by discussing drugs, and addiction to them. Drugs I believe, can be the carrier of spiritual forces, however not always positive ones. I believe that to take drugs offers us false glimpses of spiritual states, and elicits how we must subconsciously strive for them. Cannabis, an anxiolytic creates a temporary state of meditation, allowing complete relaxation and spiritual imagery and analyses to take place. Hallucinatory drugs, such as ketamine or acid, allow complete break down of the walls of perception, perhaps allowing stronger glimpses into the drug takers 'great unknown' than any other drug. Uppers, such as speed, cocaine, ecstasy or my personal old favorite, MEPHEDRONE allow feelings of higher knowledge, apparent love and empathy for everyone around you, and the universe. However, I am not endorsing taking drugs, I am definitely not saying you should do them - the opposite. They allow spiritual connection but are truly the worst form of gaining access to enlightenment, for they carry paths to darkness, and offer lies mixed in these connections, and promote fear in this fear controlled world. For a drug taker, and for my past self, this meant a lot of things. Fear and paranoia of myself and other people, actual fear from the situations you put yourself in and the people you become involved with, and fear of returning to reality, meaning you chase the drugs.
For the many years I took mephedrone also meant a lot of things. It meant that I was blanketed from reality, to the real beauty of enlightenment that I could feel not being on them, it fed my mental illness, with drug seeking behavior being the key to prolonging my manic episodes and making them worse, emphasizing the psychosis that accompanies both the episode and the drugs. But for me, I always made excuses for it, because it brought me to something that was truly the most amazing thing I'd felt. Along with these feelings of empathy and love, and in completely temporary self belief, I was able to read people in a completely unpredictable way. People I just met I connected to, and knew everything about their past, was able to pin point issues that mattered to them, and their hopes and desires. Sometimes I even made predictions about peoples futures, which came to me in glimpses as I spoke to them, a lot of which have come true which meant a lot of people actually jestingly called me a psychic. I now believe that it did help me open up my psychic channels, it did let my third eye sit peeping into the world. However, it opens up the channels in the wrong way, in a negative way, and therefore can be the carrier of many negative things, and or people. I often felt during my psychoses that I was possessed, and perhaps this was just the psychoses. But if life means that science and spirituality come hand in hand than perhaps psychoses and spirituality does. I believe in these mentally ill, drug fueled states I was the conductor for bad forces and energies, and therefore would give these energies out. It was not nature, it was not natural, the exhilaration of tapping into these forces was short lived and false as it was not done in the true and good way of doing so, so other things 'got let in'. In the poem 'The Drone' I make a prediction about the anti-christ, thinking more about the end of the world in 2012, and the book of revelations. The poem is like my higher self and the 'ashen' self arguing. I start off describing mephedrone for all its evils, but contradicting myself saying 'the anti-christ ain't all bad if you can handle what you've had'. I even begin with 'You can't have a God without the devil' saying that evil must be present in our lives. Perhaps some of this is true, perhaps I needed to lead an evil life to truly have come to this reckoning, it was all part of my personal journey, however the real message of this poem was predicting my fall, the last greatest one, and it all had been handed to me by mephedrone. I had taken it for years and like I said, fed my illness and led me to evil people, and let to the eventual losing everything, my career, my friends, my mind completely and my last series of attempted overdoses.
A lot of people will read this and account my mental illness to the actual taking of drugs, I can assure you this is not the case. It was mental illness through negative events and thoughts that dragged me down to the level of drugs and escapism, and long after I was 'removed' from this life by my family and on prescription drugs for a while I still suffered all the psychoses of the conditions. I needed to discover 'faith' as I keep saying, the faith that I lacked in myself, the world and of spirituality to truly recover from mental illness and drugs. I can now say, hand on heart I have been clean for a long time, and I am not even tempted to go back down that route. It was not an egotistical decision... (to stop taking drugs) ...not like I quit because I knew it was wrong or bad for me, I just realized that it did not serve my soul or the world for the first time, and it no longer appealed. This is quite something for a former addict, and a sufferer of mental illness to say, let me tell you. To truly accept one's reality as what I want is a massive decision for me. So I believe in my poem 'The Drone' something or someone was telling me something. I had written 'when you hear it calling, that growling, hissing drone, remember when you are falling that you will never be alone'. Something was telling me to remember that I am not a single entity to the world, the world is connected and we are never alone.
Catch the poems I describe in my first blog:
http://margsjourney.blogspot.co.uk
No comments:
Post a Comment